We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner

 

Can we talk for a second about Jared Kushner, aka Kush-Dog, aka The Frat Boy from Hell, aka The Guy Hillary Duff Likes at First in the Disney Channel Original Movie Before Realizing He’s a Douche and She Should Be With the Sweet Guy Who’s Been Her Best Friend All Along?

Because homeboy’s straight awful, and his terribleness is not given enough attention what with his dad in-law being a mega-monster and appointing a whole cabinet full of other mega-monsters and such.

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom
“I am never comfortable.”

 

Like to start with, the guy isn’t even just a straight-up evil capitalist corporate villain.  He’s too lame.  This dude spent his whole life worshipping Ayn Rand, and her evil-eyed ghost doesn’t even notice his scrawny ass.  Jared Kushner is the guy who grew up in his frat-douche lawyer-bro older brother’s shadow and tries to make up for it by being smarter, except he’s not smarter, he got 200 points fewer on his SAT and his dad had to build Harvard a new library to get him accepted.

No, really.  This fucker legit went to Harvard despite being described as a “less than stellar” student…right after his pops, for realsies, like I’m not even joking, pledged $2.5 million to the school.

He doesn’t really have an older brother, just a younger one, but I still stand by my colorful character assessment.

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom
Look at him. He’s so freaking weird.

 

Before becoming a senior advisor to the President (SENIOR ADVISOR. TO THE PRESIDENT. HIS FATHER IN-LAW), Kushy was CEO of his dad’s company, Kushner Companies.  His dad was a major real estate developer (he fucked over poor people for…not even for a living, for several thousand livings) who was convicted of illegal campaign contributions, tax evasion, and witness tampering in 2005, and served time in federal prison.

Kush-Kush is Jewish, and practicing, but that doesn’t seem to have held him back too much (or given him a whole lot of empathy/perspective) besides making him the target of some extra vitriol from Trump’s more Nazi-ish supporters (up to and including the ones that are actual neo-Nazis).  On the one hand, being Jewish in this society is still a thing no matter how much money you have, but on the other hand, it is way less of a thing if you have a lot of it.  Which he does.  

On top of his smells-like-evil real estate empire, he bought The New York Observer in 2006, turned it into a tabloid, and hired a previous consultant to Republican politicians, including noted goblin-person Rudy Giuliani, as editor-in-chief.  The paper was one of only a few to actually endorse Trump in the Republican primary.  Despite being more profitable now, Vanity Fair describes The Observer thusly: “Observer has lost virtually all of its cultural currency among New York’s elite.”

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom
“But…I AM New York’s elite”

 

Also, and this is less substantial but it really bothers me, he never looks comfortable anywhere.  His clothes never quite fit him right, which is saying something for a man who can afford the kind of tailor that Kushy-pants can.  His hair always looks like it was styled by a fussy mom getting him ready for Sunday school, and I’m not sure which is worse in photos, his straight face or his smiling face.

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom
Never mind, the smile is worse.

 

And his eyes, my god.  Those are some dead-ass eyes right there.  Either that fucker is exhausted 24/7 or he literally sold his soul to some mediocre demon to get Ivanka to like him.  Joke’s on him though, I don’t think she gives a shit about him.  I think her creepy still-got-that-Trump-slouch-even-if-she-does-have-long-legs ass just knows she can use him for her nefarious shitty clothes-selling purposes.

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom
“I give zero shits about you”
“I know”

 

Somewhere deep, deep down inside, in a place in his heart he will never acknowledge, Jared Kushner knows that Ivanka doesn’t actually like him, that Donald will drop him like a hot chicken wing the instant he makes him look bad, that he didn’t really deserve to go to Harvard, that his newspaper was actually pretty stupid, that his pants don’t fit him right, and that the moment the entire country discovers he’s not as smart as he pretends to be is just a brief PR faux pas away.

Or possibly, now that it’s come out that he’s a person of interest in the Russia investigation, it’s just one enormous political scandal away.

And he’ll keep doing dumb shit like this until we all figure it out:

 

We Need to Talk about Jared Kushner | Comic Wisdom

 

 

 

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  • Joseph Wilson

    Fuck Kushner. Fuck Trump. I hope to see them hang

  • Everything about him just screams “skeevy”. I’m sure he’s a nice person…every now and again…under a blue moon…while pigs are flying. But gosh. He reminds me of that one guy in high school who everyone thought was a nice guy but he was actually just evil and manipulative.